Aibai.com
The following letter was posted last month on Aibai.com, an influential website in the Chinese gay community. The editors at Aibai have been in contact with the unnamed author, and believe his story to be true.
The topic of “gay wives” — women who unwittingly marry closeted gay men — has been common in the news recently. This man’s story is unique for the honesty and compassion with which he dealt with his own daughter dating a gay man.
The writer’s style is very formal and meticulous, and I have tried to preserve that here — sometimes at the cost of brevity — because I think it speaks strongly to his personality.
Not long ago, Aibai received a very rare kind of question. It was rare because it was a letter about the phenomenon of “gay wives“ — women married to closeted gay men — and was not from the parents of a gay man, but rather from the father of the woman involved. Unlike other cases that we have heard, this father did not jump to conclusions or a hasty and violent response. Instead he researched, got to know the gay community, and with the knowledge that he gained from articles on this website finally convinced his daughter to extricate herself from a damaging relationship. With our encouragement, this father shared with us his problem and his solution, with the hope that it will help other families in his situation.
I am the father of a 21-year-old daughter, and this is my own true story. It is also the story of how I came to know and understand gay people. Apart from names and places, which are fake, everything else is true. It is possible that not all of my viewpoints are correct, but I hope they will be of help to other people in my situation. Where I am wrong, I beg for all of your understanding and guidance.
I must begin in the summer of 2011. My daughter Jiajia had gone away to school for her first year at a university in the North. We spoke on the phone every weekend evening. One day, my daughter told us that she had a boyfriend who was also a first year student. He was older than her by one year, grew up in that city, and lived with his single mother.
This was my daughter’s first love. As her parents, all we could do was remind her that while at university the greater share of her energy should be directed to her studies, and tell her about the more important points of safe sex. As the father, I felt awkward bringing up sex, and hoped that her mother could handle sex education. To my surprise, however, as we started to have the talk, she impatiently brought up her own problems. Speaking with her late into the night, we found out that her situation was a little complicated.
This is how things started. At a gathering of her classmates, Jiajia met a boy named Xiaoma. A few days later at noon, Xiaoma and his mother came to see her at school. Not long after, Jiajia and Xiaoma were officially dating. After this, Xiaoma’s mother would often bring lunch by the university for Jiajia, and helped Jiajia move into her own apartment.
The apartment was something that Jiajia had already discussed with us. She said she wanted to move out on her own for the quiet and so that she could study better. We are a family of some means, so we agreed to pay for her rent for a year.
Xiaoma’s mother, of her own accord, tidied the place, furnished the bathroom and bought curtains, sheets and pots and pans for Jiajia. After Jiajia moved in, Xiaoma’s mother quick as a wink brought along her son. They had been living together now for five months. However, none of this was what Jiajia was phoning about. The problem on her mind was that when when she and Xiaoma had sex, Xiaoma couldn’t properly ejaculate and never held her with any interest or feeling.
My daughter told me that Xiaoma had a cool and passive personality, that he loved cleanliness and would spend more time doing his hair in the morning than she did. He used perfume, and even in the heat of the summer insisted on wearing an undershirt and a button up. Everything that Xiaoma did, his mother managed. Even when he was just hanging out with friends, his mother would show up. Xiaoma would handle my daughter’s temper well enough, but if she found the slightest fault with his mother, even just in tone of voice, he would fly into a rage.
As a father, I had no idea how to understand Xiaoma’s behavior. My experience told me that something was up, but I didn’t know what. I knew my daughter. She obviously came to her parents for help as a last resort. I could also tell she was in love. I decided that at first I would not rush in and hastily intervene. First I would try to understand Xiaoma and the problem before solving it.
At first I asked help from a doctor, and looked into biological and medical literature. I also tried to learn as much as possible from Jiajia about the details of Xiaoma’s life, such as his family, hobbies, friends, habits and so forth. Luck favours the hard working, and a month later a few details of Xiaoma’s life fell into place before my eyes.
It turned out that in 2010, Xiaoma, under pleading and threats from his mother, agreed to look for a girlfriend. At the time he was only 20 and had only just started university. Xiaoma never said no to his mother, but when his friends were around he would often let fly phrases like, ”Mom! Stop pushing me!” “I’m going crazy,” “I can’t stand it…” “My mother is forcing me to get a girlfriend,” “Don’t force things,” and so forth.
Xiaoma would also often use vocabulary that was unfamiliar to me, such as ”bottom,” “queen,” and so forth. When I asked Jiajia what these words meant, she said, “They’re words that young people here use on the internet. Xiaoma and his guy friends use them on internet chat. There’s nothing odd about it.” Jiajia told me she knew Xiaoma’s friends, and that they all spoke like that. They would all hug when they met, and Xiaoma would often say things to them like “darling,” or “miss you” or “do me.” When I had learned his much, the unsettling word “homosexual” first rose up in my mind.
Among my own acquaintances, I have met gays and lesbians. When I was young, homosexual acts were a crime, and in our so called orthodox education this kind of behavior was looked upon as unquestionably wicked. Because of this I had a deep distaste for gay people. The idea that my daughter’s boyfriend was a homosexual was not only unacceptable, it changed my attitude towards gays from dislike to outright hatred. I considered immediately buying a plane ticket and going to kill Xiaoma myself. In the end, rationality got the better of me. Looking back, had I not got a hold of myself I might have made a tragedy out of five lives and two families.
Though sense stopped me for the moment, I did resolve to find out if Xiaoma was indeed gay. Bearing a hatred of homosexuals, I began to surf through gay websites and chatrooms. I went to gay bars and bought drinks for young men so that I could learn about them. Before long, I knew the basic vocabulary, habits, stylings and online chat conventions. It was also at this time that I discovered and signed up at Aibai.com.
I repeatedly looked over Xiaoma’s conversations with Jiajia and with his friends, and I could already more or less confirm his sexual orientation.
In itself, Jiajia having a boyfriend was enough to make my wife and I nervous, and for a month we had talked of almost nothing else. Because at that time I was full of anger and felt that this was a disgrace to the family that couldn’t even be told to my daughter, I began to be angry at her too. We ended many phone calls badly. Jiajia often cried to her mother, “I don’t know how to talk to dad, he talks to me like he’s interrogating a criminal. I haven’t done anything wrong. I just got a boyfriend, that’s all.” Because of this, my relationship with my wife was strained as well. I decided that no matter how shameful it felt, I couldn’t cover things up any longer.
I took all of the information that I had got from Jiajia, from gay websites, from gay bars and chat rooms and showed it to my wife. I told her that this kind of shameful thing absolutely must be kept from Jiajia. Jiajia’s mother, despite her anger, quietly listened to my speech and agreed not to tell Jiajia. The next weekend, however, in a conversation with Jiajia, my wife showed her hand. She very calmly and evenly said to Jiajia, “We know the source of your problem.”
As soon as Jiajia heard, she became furious. My wife slowly and carefully explained everything we knew. Three hours quickly passed, and we still were unable to convince Jiajia. Finally, my wife said, “Alright, I will give you two choices. One, you break up with him now. Two, you drop out of school and move back to Beijing.”
After a long silence, Jiajia finally said that she would break up with her boyfriend. After the conversation ended, I frustratedly asked my wife why she let everything out. Her answer startled me.
During the conversation, my wife told me, Jiajia had told her that Xiaoma was there with her, and had told her not to say anything. That was what made my wife suddenly decide to let everything out: she hoped that Xiaoma would come out and explain things to us and stand up for his girlfriend like a man. But Xiaoma disappointed us, and obliquely confirmed our suspicions. In the end, my wife’s decision was correct. She didn’t speak out of shame, but to directly face the problem.
About a month later, when Jiajia had really understood what was going on, she told us that during that whole phone conversation, Xiaoma sat on the bed and smoked silently. Jiajia several times wrote notes to him asking him to speak to her mother, but he never responded. After the phone call ended, Xiaoma said: “since we both depend on our parents and your parents won’t permit it, I guess we’ll have to break up.”
But did things actually end there? At first, we thought so. After all, Jiajia promised her mother, and we were bound to believe her. At this point I started to pour my hatred for gay people into my daughter, and found all kinds of horrifying legal cases involving homosexuality to send to her. I was trying to use my hatred of homosexuality to stop any possibility of her reconnecting with Xiaoma. The facts would show that I was making an enormous mistake. Not only would I not stop their relationship, I would in a sense make it develop even further.
The more I pushed my hatred, the more resistant Jiajia became. She even went back on all the concerns she had before, the more to deny our suspicions. In the end, Jiajia told me on the phone: “I don’t believe anything you say. Xiaoma and my feelings for each other are very deep. I’m a normal woman. I know that I’ll get him back.”
The next day, Jiajia told us that although she and Xiaoma no longer lived together, they did see each other. She went to Xiaoma’s house on the weekends, and Xiaoma’s mother was very good to her and would make all the foods that Jiajia liked. Xiaoma’s mother would urge Jiajia to move out of the apartment and move in with her and Xiaoma. She even bought clothes and gifts for Jiajia.
Jiajia told us that Xiaoma’s mother said that she wanted to plan a wedding for them for around the Chinese New Year. But on this point Jiajia was firm: she would absolutely not get married until she had graduated from university. This gave us a little bit of time. It also made me realize that I could not force Jiajia, or else I would push her into getting married right away.
I thought the situation over, trying to figure out who was at fault. In desperation, I went back to my research on all sorts of gay websites. In the early summer of 2011 I had signed up for Aibai, but at the time I didn’t give it much thought. But this time Aibai’s articles, especially the online encyclopedia, advice columns and message boards, attracted my attention. I read through nearly 2,000 pages of advice columns and encyclopedia articles, and gave them a lot of serious thought. To be honest, to a reader full of anger like me, reading, understanding, sympathizing and working over my own ego was a long and painful process.
But through this process, the problem with my daughter’s situation gradually became clear: homosexualy and gay people were not evil, they were also members of our society, and they ought to be treated fairly. I realized that neither Xiaoma nor Jiajia were at fault. The fault was with the parents of both sides. Xiaoma’s mother ought not to force her son into a marriage, and we ought not to hate gay people as a community.
Having recognized fault, one must reform. I changed how I was talking to Jiajia, and started to use what I had learned on Aibai to introduce her to the the scientific idea that sexual orientation cannot be changed. I suggested that she herself read the painful experiences of the wives of closeted gay men on Aibai.
Compared with our generation, young people absorb this sort of idea much more easily. By the end of 2011, we found that Jiajia’s attitude had changed dramatically. She slowly began to tell us the truth about what was going on between her and Xiaoma.
We decided we would take advantage of the holiday season to try to resolve the problem. Jiajia agreed, and told us that she had suggested that Xiaoma arrange a time for our two families to meet. Xiaoma agreed, and welcomed us over for dinner.
Preparing us for our visit the next day, Jiajia told us about Xiaoma’s family. In the early 90’s, the city had started to develop quickly. Xiaoma’s family sold their farmland for a good price and moved to the city. After this his parents divorced, and Xiaoma was brought up by his mother and grandmother. Because of early marriage in the countryside, Xiaoma was now 21 and his mother was only 41. She married at 18. I had suspected that our conversation would be extremely awkward.
By the next day at noon, we had heard nothing, and Jiajia began to get nervous and check her phone constantly. I urged her to be patient and wait. By dinner time, Jiajia lost her patience and began to call Xiaoma, but with no answer. I got Jiajia to call Xiaoma’s mother’s phone, also with no result. I suspected that the situation had already begun to change. I told Jiajia to try Xiaoma cell phone, and cautioned her to be prepared for a change in his attitude. Jiajia didn’t understand what I meant, but she called.
Xiaoma answered the phone. In our quiet room, we suddenly heard Xiaoma and his mother yelling at each other. Sitting near the phone, we could hear it all clearly. Jiajia listened dumbstruck, without getting a word in edgewise. After half an hour, Jiajia could no longer handle it, hung up, and cried uncontrollably into our arms.
I had considered many possibilities, and this was the worst of them. Although Xiaoma’s mother perhaps needed some time to accept everything, her attitude not only hurt our daughter but also her own son. Obviously, sharing the information that I had gathered was out of the question.
Although Jiajia was deeply hurt, she finally cut off ties with Xiaoma, and this at least was a good thing. She needed to heal her wounds, and we also needed to help her understand sexual orientation. By helping her overcome her misunderstandings about sexual orientation and see things clearly, our relationship with her became much smoother.
We also got much closer to understanding how the problem had come about.
It seems that Xiaoma’s mother had known about her son’s situation, and had often tried to force her son to find a girlfriend. Xiaoma was a gentle, neat young man and had many women who were interested in him. Although he was very resistant, to the point of desperately telling his mother not to force him, he would in the end not go against his mother’s wishes. He was a good son and listed to what his mother said.
When Xiaoma first met Jiajia, he had straightforwardly told her that he had had a girlfriend and had had sex before, but because that girl thought he was gay they quickly broke up. Xiaoma also told her that he really wasn’t into women, but his mother wanted them to be together and he would go along with it. Life was short, and two people might as well be together.
Jiajia, infatuated, was in no position to understand the meaning of these words. Xiaoma’s mother, seeing the opportunity, persuaded her to move into an apartment and arranged the two of them living together. After that, Jiajia found out about some of Xiaoma’s problems, such as his lack of sexual interest, inability to ejaculate, and that he would sit silently by the window for a whole evening. He would sometimes say things like, “In this kind of meaningless life, what’s the point in living?” Once he said to Jiajia, “I just have to keep going. I can’t let things go. I just can’t let things go.” Even stranger, he would sometimes make incomprehensible references to gay sex.
However, Xiaoma’s mother continued to exercise her blind love and mistaken understanding. Jiajia told us that Xiaoma’s mother would buy large quantities of gouji berries, cassia bark, Chinese dates and other virility boosting chinese medicines and boil them for her son. But no matter how much she boiled or watched him drink, Xiaoma never changed. He knew it was meaningless.
When we let Jiajia know what we knew about Xiaoma’s sexuality, Xiaoma immediately went home and told his mother. He then moved out of Jiajia’s apartment back to his home. This was, of course, a way out for him, but was unacceptable and incomprehensible to Jiajia. I had mistakenly thought this was the opportunity for them to end things, and further demonized all of Xiaoma’s behavior. This made Jiajia reject what I said even more, and made her feel that I was acting out of prejudice.
Out of hate and anger, I did a very stupid thing. Jiajia told me that once when they were out they found a lost wallet on the subway. Before they got to their destination, Xiaoma led Jiajia off the train and took the wallet to the police at the subway station. I demonized even this good-intentioned action, which made Jiajia’s suspicion and distrust of me even stronger, and made her more unwilling to listen to me.
At the same time, Xiaoma’s mother would not let up. When she saw Xiaoma cutting off contact, she took the initiative and called Jiajia. She said that she felt for Jiajia like a daughter, and asked her to come over for dinner. That was how Jiajia and Xiaoma reconnected. But this time, Xiaoma’s mother was urging them to move into her home together. That way, all the power would be in her hands.
This time, Xiaoma’s mother didn’t avoid the question of homosexuality, but rather brainwashed Jiajia, telling her things like “sexual orientation can absolutely be changed, it just requires the woman to be patient.” She also dragged the two of them to all sorts of horrible, fraudulent so-called medical experts who claimed success at curing gay people. That was why Jiajia told us on the phone, “I’m a normal woman, I know that I’ll get him back.” After that, Xiaoma’s mother started to encourage a wedding, but it was put off by Xiaoma’s resistance and Jiajia’s plans at university.
And so the story of how things came about was unfolded. I also came to understand why Jiajia had little reaction at first to stories of the wives of gay men on Aibai. I also understood why Xiaoma’s mother had not wanted to see us: she knew that we understood what was going on, and knew we would try to persuade her to give up this useless venture. She thought that this would hurt her son even more.
I, however, think that incessantly forcing her son to find a girlfriend or live with a woman — to the point of using medicine to increase his sexual capacity — could only bring harm to her son, and perhaps an irrecoverable tragedy. I personally hope that Xiaoma’s mother will realize her mistake: if she really loves her son, she should respect and understand him. She should learn from science, and cast off her own prejudice and blindness.
In truth, we both made the same mistake for the sake of our children: we saw the gay community with prejudice and hatred, and used every effort to get our children out of that community. It was out of love, but it hurt them.
End note: After reading this father’s story, we were filled with both happiness and regret. We are happy that, with progress in our society, more and more people will understand gay people and change the mainstream way of thinking. We regret that Xiaoma’s mother, and many many other parents, when faced with a child coming out of the closet, cannot put aside this “traditional” way of thinking. We hope that, in the not too distant future, that we will hear more good news, and that the regrets will grow fewer and farther between.